The World and Lily According to James
by Glass Eyedrops
Summary: James is Normal Typical Teenage Boy. Lily is Unobtainable Beauty. James loves Lily. You know what's bound to happen. James remains oblivious to everything throughout, of course.
1. Lily and Life

**Author's note;**

None of the characters are mine, blah-dee blah. I'd be rich if they were. And I'm not rich. It's late at night and I'm supposed to be doing Sociology and English Literature homework, but I like this idea I suddenly got. So here it is. And I hope you like it. Review, please!

**The World and Lily According To James.**

Friday, May 10th. 

This, as you can see, is my new Lily-Journal. Well, no, you can't see, because no one is supposed to read it. So, Sirius, if you ever find this. Bugger off. Or I'll tell everyone about you and Henrietta Knill. And the toad incident in Potions.

I'll tell everyone Sirius Black snogged a toad willingly.

So stop reading.

But this is for me. This journal. To record everything about me and Lily. Not that we're even going out yet. But I could look back at things I'd said and IMPROVE. Couldn't I? Yes, James Potter. That's what you're going to do. Improve. And get the girl of your dreams. Lily Evans.

Christ, she's beautiful. Her hair just…flows in a beautiful red-gold sort of way, like leaves falling off a tree. Her eyes are like deep green pools, sort of like cat's eyes, but green. Emerald, really. I'd better stop before I turn into blinking wotsit. Shake-thing. Shakespare. No, Shakespeare. We did him in Muggle Studies. Before I quit. That was a crap class.

Cats can have green eyes though, can't they?

_Prongs, you plank, what's this little diary thing? EH? _

_Even if you did tell about the toad, no-one would believe you, because I'm excellent, and also, I think this is better than any toad snogging exploits. Because James Potter keeps a diary of his failings with Lily. You must be desperate, mate. Wait till I tell Moony and Wormy..._

_I think you should leave this in a more hidden place than under your pillow, too. Just in case. Tip for the future. But next time I'll steal this. _

_There's just nothing interesting in it yet._

Sunday, May 12th.

I hate you, Sirius Black. Die. Now I'll be hiding this in a charm-encased place. Just so you can't get to it, you horrible little git.

On a lighter note, I spoke to Lily today, and she didn't tell me to get knotted! I think maybe I'm working my masculine charm on her. Finally. It was about time. All that time we spend putting on a little show for her with Snivelly, and she doesn't seem to appreciate it in the slightest. Women.

Granted, maybe she didn't tell me to stuff off because I only asked to borrow a quill.

But she gave me one, anyway.

Monday, May 13th.

Lily. Lily Lily Lily.

Funny how you never get tired of that name, isn't it?

I like to just say it again and again, then Lily and James. Sounds nice, doesn't it?

Lily and James Potter.

Lily Potter.

_Mrs_ Lily Potter.

I thought it was only obsessed fan girls like Henrietta that did this.

But I can't help it. I love her.

Wednesday, May 15th.

Okay, why does she do that?

Just blow up in your face. Honestly, she might be a prefect, but so's Moony, and I don't see him telling me to 'grow up' and 'act my age'. I do act my age. I'm very mature for a sixteen year old. Really, it wasn't even any big deal. We only pushed Snivelly into the lake.

We've done it about four times before.

But this time old poncey-skirts has to come up and notice it. And appeal to McGonagall for detention. Which of course we get. Not that it makes much difference. We always get detention. We spend more time in it than we do lessons. So it's not that great a punishment really.

Why does she make you do that? Hate her and love her at the same time?

I wish she'd just hurry up and go out with me. After all, I'm good looking, and nice. More than nice. I'm chaser on the Quidditch team. What more could a girl want?

I hate her.


	2. Toads and Trauma

**Author's note;** Alright, same as the first chapter. I assume you've read that. Also, James WAS a chaser, not a seeker. The film got it wrong. And don't start with the snitch comments, because he didn't have to be a seeker to have a snitch. It's in the books. Check it out, okay, before you put that he was a seeker in your review?

Now, on with the fun.

**Recurring Toad Incidents**

Thursday, May 16th

Okay, I've got over my initial hate of Lily. I knew I would. You can't stay mad with her for long. She's just too beautiful in mind and spirit, and of course body. Now I've got her in my head again.

Not that that's a bad thing.

Anyway, I spoke to her today about the whole pushing-Snivelly-into-the-weed-infested-nasty-lakey-wakey, and she said I had better make it up to her as well as doing detention.

'I bet I had…' I said in a suggestive manner, with a little wink accompanying it.

She didn't look too happy. In fact, she rolled her eyes and flounced off, while telling me she'd come back with a punishment tomorrow.

One that fitted the crime.

Of course, that's just code for snogging.

Maybe. I hope it is, anyway.

Now I've got snogging Lily in my head.

Not that that's a bad thing, either.

Friday, May 17th.

I can taste toad juice. I swear. She's evil, that girl.

Somehow she knew. I know it. About me daring Sirius to kiss that toad. So she said I could have a taste of my own medicine.

Only it was worse. I had to lick the toad's back.

She'd even jinxed the poisony stuff off. God knows how.

Why in the name of arse did I do it?

Oh, I know. Because I wanted to show off. How is LICKING a toad's back showing off? I think I only just realised that. Bugger. She thinks I'm a tool. Twice over. Because she already thought I was a button short of a cardigan anyway.

I can still taste that slimy yucky clammy skin. Bleeeh.

It's a good job I bloody love the girl, really.

Sunday, May 19th.

She smirks whenever she sees me now. As if she can see a little film in her head whirring along of me licking that horrid warty toad. But I just let my little film whirr. It involves no toads, that I can tell you.

Other than that, no special reports on Lily. Which is annoying.

Soon she'll come around to my charm, I'm sure of it. And if she doesn't…well. She's better like the effects of love potions.

Wednesday, May 22nd.

Okay, I'd never use a love potion on her. Because it wouldn't be fair. She has to fall in love with me on her own accord. Easy peasy.

Maybe.

See, there is more to me. I'm not _just_ an egocentric git. I hope I'm not.

Maybe I have to show her that. Maybe I have to stop pranking Snivelly. Maybe I have to grow up a bit. Maybe I have to try.

Christ, what am I saying? James Potter stop pranking Snivellus Snape?

Never.

James Potter, grow up?

Never. I'll grow up when I want to. When the time's right. I'm mature enough.

Try?

Try to what, though?

I'll try to get Lily, that's for sure. By the end of this week she'll be mine, I'm sure of it. Haha. Miss Evans is MINE.

Sunday, May 26th.

She's still not going out with me.

Monday, May 27th.

Nope.

Tuesday, May 28th.

Bugger.


	3. Morons and Marriage

**Author's note;** Right, if these were my characters and stuff, then I'd be a squillionaire. But I'm not. Unlucky, really. Also, thank you to Sarah for her lovely comments about James. And my name.

**Boys Just Wanna Have Fu-uuun.**

_Excuse me while I die laughing._

_You great big idiot, you seriously think I'd not be able to crack that simple spell? And that I wouldn't be able to find it under the mattress? It's not a far cry from the pillowcase... I despair of you, sometimes, mate. I thought you were clever?_

_And what's this about you LICKING a toad? Excuse me while I laugh maniacally._

_Right, I'm done._

_Man, I thought I'd fared badly with the whole snogging incident. But you, my friend, are a headcase. All for Lily? You need to get your head sorted. So what if she thinks you're an ugly self-centred git with a pea for a brain?_

_Lots of people like that sort of thing. Like Melissa Flockheart for instance. I bet she's dead nice when you look past the ten-foot boil on the end of her nose. _

_Unfortunate for her, really._

_Anyway, I said I'd steal this, but I don't think I will because it will be far more amusing when you found out that I found it. And you won't be able to say anything in front of Remus or Peter. I amuse myself greatly._

_Besides, this will be a damn good yarn. Ickle-Potty-Wotty and his Lily-Kins._

Saturday, June 1st.

Now I know where the bloody hell this thing went. It went on a little trip with Pillock Padfoot, idiot of the century. Well, this time he's not getting hold of it. I'll keep it on my person if I have to.

Now I know how girls feel with their stupid diaries.

Oh God, I'm turning into a girl!

I've got a diary!

I missed having it!

I'M TURNING INTO A GIRL!

LILY WILL NEVER FANCY ME IF I'M A GIRL!

Sunday, June 2nd.

Okay, I'm not turning into a girl. But still. That was quite an odd thought tangent, really. I only am keeping this diary so I can record things that have happened with Lily. And also because it's nice to have something to write in when I feel upset.

What was that? Curse this diary. It makes me say weird things. Girly things. I'm a man. Macho. MACHO MAN. And as my first macho wrestler-type man task, I'm going to ask Lily on a date. And this time, I'm not going to fail.

James Potter does not fail.

Monday, June 3rd.

Maybe he does.

But it wasn't my fault she was with her bloody friend Alice. Giggling witch. Quite literally. Why the hell wasn't she with lover-boy, Frank, anyway?

So when I finally found her, she was sat in the great hall, on one of the long benches. Playing chess with Alice. I never like chess really. It annoys me. I always lose, because apparently I have no tact. According to Pillock Padfoot.

Maybe that's why I never get successful with Lily.

But anyway. I sidled up, hands in pockets, looking cool as usual, and plonked myself down next to Lily with a great big grin on my face.

She didn't even look at me.

"Hiya, Evans."

"Potter, what do you want?"

That's nice, isn't it? I come and be sociable and she just suspects me from the very beginning! If I wasn't so lovely and forgiving I'd have buggered off right away.

"I don't want anything, Evans. I only want to know if you wanna go with me to Hogsmeade this weekend."

And she didn't reply. Just tossed her hair and waved her hand away, like I was some nasty fly, before finally speaking.

"Go away Potter, I've got to finish this game."

Huh. Well. I gave her the Potter-grin, and swaggered off, intent on staking out my position outside the hall. But every time I looked, she was there still playing. I gave it till about half eleven, then I got shot of the place.

I'm sick and tired of her. Why can't she just accept that I'm nicer than I was? Well, to a point. I want her to go out with me so much. I can even picture us getting marr…

CHRIST.

WHAT?

Tuesday, June 4th.

I stopped writing there. I scared myself. I slammed the book on my words. But I know what I was going to say. And why was I scared of it? If you love someone, don't you picture them that way?

I'm not obsessive. Remus never says I am, and he's pretty truthful. Sirius, however, the great fat git, tells me I'm a borderline stalker.

One day I'll throttle that boy.

But still. Onto Lily. I think she's getting better. Because at least she didn't tell me to 'get lost', or 'grow up' yesterday. I think she's growing to realise I'm a lot more mature. And nice. Maybe she fancies me, finally.

Or is that just wishful thinking?

_Definitely wishful thinking, you git. I'm no pillock. I'm wonderful. Ask Jodie if you don't believe me. Yes, Jodie. The girl I got with last night._

_And YOU will never get with anyone because you're too PATHETIC. With this girly little diary. You are turning into a girl, no doubt about it. _

_For one thing, you can't even hide this diary (yes, it's a DIARY, not a JOURNAL – they're both the same thing but journal sounds more manly) properly. It was in your bedside cabinet. That's even worse than under the mattress. You really have no creative inspiration, mate. _

_Have fun torturing yourself further because Lily hates you. Before long you'll be asking her what shampoo she uses. Or where she buys her socks. Because you do that when you stalk people._


	4. Sonnets and Slime

**Author's note;** Blah de blah, I don't own these characters or Harry Potter Enterprises Inc (or whatever the heck it's called – you get the picture). Now I'll continue with my story after that boring bit.

Something Murky This Way Comes 

Wednesday, June 5th.

Why am I even friends with him?

Thursday, June 6th.

I wrote a poem for Lily.

I was bored in History Of Magic (who isn't?) before you say anything, Sirius, should you ever pick up this and read it again. Which you won't. Because now I have a hiding place _par excellence. _Clearly I'm the clever one here.

Okay, so here goes. I'd clear my throat but I'm not speaking it. Yet. Maybe I should read it to her. If she wouldn't laugh and/or throw me out of the astronomy tower.

Lily.

Lily, your eyes glitter like the sun,

I think you are the only one,

My only girl,

Give me a twirl,

I'll wrap you up warm,

Keep you safe from the storm

Of blokes that chase you

And hound you

Only because you are the only one

And your hair shines in the sun.

I think it's quite good, don't you?

Later Wednesday, June 5th.

Bugger.

Even Later Wednesday, June 5th.

How was I to know she'd hex me?

I was only trying to be nice.

I still have jellied frog's legs glued to my nose.

How do you get them off?

Still Wednesday, June 5th.

We both got detention, though. Her for hexing me, and me for 'provoking' her, apparently. I only read her my poem.

I thought it was romantic. I liked it. I think I have a knack for poetry.

Almost Thursday, June 6th, But Still In Fact Wednesday, June 5th.

On the bright side detention could be my chance to show her how I really feel. And win her over. After all, it's just going to be me and her in the dungeons, clearing up the jellied frogs. And the pickled newts, just for an extra. Her hex went a bit overboard, if you ask me. But still. She's got to stay with me for 3 hours.

YAY.


	5. Detention and Defeat

**Author's note;** I do not own blinking Harry Potter. If I did I really wouldn't be writing this. I do not have the imagination to write that sort of thing. Really. Anyway, cheers to my reviewers. I'm glad you think it's like the Lou Rennison books, Evercare! Those books rule the world.

And James should write more poetry, I think. I thought it was great and I was definitely not laughing. Not one bit.

**A Turn Up For The Exercise Book**

Friday, June 7th.

Almost time for detention.

I've never looked forward to a detention so much.

Not that I've ever looked forward to a detention.

Because that would be sad.

And I'd be like Peter. Who only gets detentions so he can spend all his time with us.

I loooooooooove Lily.

Infinity.

I really shouldn't write that. Padfoot could read it. Not that he will. He's not finding it this time.

_So I won't find it this time, eh, plonker?_

_And you really think leaving it UNDER the bed is a good idea? That I won't find it there? I despair, truly. I don't know why I'm even your mate._

_But anyway. _

_Never ever write poetry, again. Now I know why you got detention. I wasn't there when you read her it and I wish to God I had been. I'd still be laughing now. You aren't going to win any prizes for those terrible rhymes, you ninny._

_You really are the world's biggest twit, and I can't wait to read how detention fares. Good luck, prat._

Later Friday, June 7th.

I'm not even going to dignify that little exert with a reply. Because you want attention, you sad little sadsack Sirius, and I'm not going to give you it.

Besides, nothing can make me upset now. I rule the world.

I am James Potter, God of Love.

Or should that be God of Changing People's Minds Slightly?

Perhaps the second one. Anyway, WAHOOOOO.

Lily said she thinks I'm not as much of a big headed arse as I used to be. Which, obviously, in Lily's world, is translated roughly as 'I fancy you, you sexy beast.'

She said I'd got better.

That can only mean one thing.

I'm going to ask her out again.

Saturday, June 8th.

I thought she'd said I was better? Why do you reject people who are better? I don't understand that girl. She gives out all the wrong signals, I swear. I spent my evening scourging the floor with no magic ridding it from every trace of frog jelly stuff. And other classes had obviously had 'accidents', too. I swear I found something that looked like a small eyeball. I didn't give it too much thought, because I was too busy looking at Lily muttering how this was all my fault.

She can be so sexy when she's angry.

I love Lily Potter.

I mean Evans.


	6. Heads and Honour

**Author's Note;** You should know by now that I don't own the Harry Potter books. But if you're very stupid I'll let you off because you can't help it.

Also, wooha to the longer chapters. I'm sorry about that guys. I need to make them longer but I like them short and sweet. So I will try to make them longer.

And what good would it be if I turned James into a girl? Because it would be no surprise to you all now!

**Enter the World of the Nerds**

Monday, June 9th.

I haven't seen her since yesterday. Detention, I mean. Not even passed her in the corridor. I wonder where she is? Maybe she's avoiding me after telling me how much she likes me. Yeah, that'll be it.

Tuesday, June 10th.

She was doing homework with Remus.

How long can you do homework with Remus for?

Oh my God. No.

No. Please no.

The bastard. Moony, you…I'll…

Wednesday, June 11th.

Moony is currently under the spell of the most wonderful furnunculus curse. He won't be having any more 'homework' sessions with Lily in the very near future, that's for sure. I'll cure him of it soon. Once the joke's worn off.

So anything from two to three months, really.

Those boils must really be itching by now.

Thursday, June 12th.

Why did I not think of Madam Pomfrey? And sadly, she guessed it was me. She said it was either Sirius, or me, and we're both in detention. Sirius doesn't really mind even though it wasn't him that did it. He just said he was glad to have an excuse not to do his Potions essay(s).

Still no word from Lily, actually. I haven't even seen her once, not even between lessons.

Hey. I just had an idea. Lily's a dead cert for Head Girl next year, isn't she? So…so if I'm on my best behaviour, and I truly reform myself, or whatever it says in the Bible type thing, then maybe I'll be able to be Head Boy! I'm popular enough.

No. No ego stuff.

But seriously, I am.

Imagine it. Lily Evans and James Potter, Head Boy & Girl of Hogwarts. And she'd have to spend ages with me. She'd…there's so many things we'd have to do together.

Clearly I am a genius.

Friday, June 13th.

I held a door open today for Professor McGonagall, but she just looked at me in a very suspicious way and checked above her head as if there might be something that would fall down.

Clearly Friday the Thirteenth wasn't the best day to start this 'good guy' escapade thing.

Later, Friday 13th. 

Slughorn didn't let me carry his ingredients to his cauldron, and asked why I'd suddenly become such a 'nancy boy'.

Cheers.

Sirius laughed himself senseless in the background. I hate my life.

Saturday, June14th. 

Finally I talked to Lily. She said she thought I was up to something but she did think I'd been doing some relatively good deeds lately. My detention is lifted, she talked to McGonagall. Lily must have some unearthly power. Or McGonagall likes her. Which seems unlikely. But then, who couldn't like Lily?

Sadly Sirius's detention isn't lifted. Shame.

Sunday, June 15th. 

I have exactly one month and three days to impress the whole school. I sound like the biggest geek in the world. I'll become like Snivelly, nose almost touching the page of my DADA textbook, writing additions to my Potions book, reading books in my spare time, and actually doing essays.

See what I'm doing for Lily?

She really should be grateful.


	7. Sirius and Almost Snogging

**Author's Note;**

Finally updated. It's taken me a while. But anyway, ta to all my reviewers, and hopefully this will keep you happy for a bit as I'm planning to make it a little longer. If it's not, then bleh to you. xD

**Plans, Schmans.**

_Of course I laughed myself senseless, you complete nelly. Now I see your plan I'll be laughing myself senseless a lot more often. _

_YOU. IDIOT._

_Lily Evans is never in a trillion years going to fall for your pathetic plan. Besides, Slughorn was right, you look like a right nancy boy carrying round venomous tentaculas and suchlike for Professor Sprout. As far as I can see, she's the only one who'll let you help her._

_And that's only because venomous tentaculas are, well, venomous._

_Good luck, mate, good luck. You're going to bloody well need it. How can you obsess over one girl this much?_

_Oh, and by the way, your handwriting looks more girly by the minute, you great big girl's blouse. It's got lots of loopy bits._

_Like your brain._

Tuesday, June 17th 

I'm not even going to COMMENT on that previous string of statements. I'm winning her over and I know it.

Want to know why? Because she smiled at me today, and not in one of those 'ohmygodifIsmileathimmaybehe'llgoaway' ways.

But anyway. I have to sound more manly. I already do sound manly! Bloody Sirius 'I'm the world's biggest prat' Black.

Thursday, June 19th.

Things looking up on the helping people front. McGonagall let me help her pack up after Transfiguration today. So if McGonagall trusts me…I think that's all that needs to be said on the matter.

Friday, June 19th.

Dumbledore asked me what on earth I thought I was up to recently. I said I was trying to turn over a new leaf and make people think differently about me. He gave me his all-knowing look and sort of…glided away…weird or what?

Still. If I can convince him I'm good, then Lily will be a pushover. I only hope that nothing bad happens to me, because, well, I've been so great, that I'd get off with myself if I could.

I don't believe you, James Potter. You really are the world's greatest, most senseless, idiotic nerd, aren't you? I despair, I really do. Anyway, what I've got up my sleeve should stop you being such a genuine wet. I'll give you masculinity lessons if you really want me too, Prongs, but stop being such a freak.

Saturday, June 20th.

Oh. My. God.

I hate Sirius Black. You hear that, Sirius? I HATE YOU. Look. I'll tape the evidence here. See that? THAT IS A PIECE OF LONG BROWN HAIR.

He's given me long hair. Complete with two BLOODY SODDING GREAT BIG PINK BOWS.

I can't get the lipstick off.

All the rest of me is me. I still have, you know, male appendages. But the rest of me, my face, my nails, my HAIR, is all bloody GIRLY.

Pink. Shocking pink nail wotsit. I don't even know the name of it. And what IS that stuff on my eyelashes?

Girls must be mad to wear this.

Later Saturday, June 20th.

I went to Madam Pomfrey to get it all off, but she went into such deep hysterics that they had to call McGonagall to calm her down. And then she said she'd have to treat me tomorrow, as she needed to go and have a lie down in her office.

Lie down my left foot.

McGonagall said it served me right, really.

Why is everyone against me?

Sunday, June 21st.

Everyone is in absolute hysterics about ME. It's not bloody funny. Snivelly even laughed. If I'd have had my wand….and if I could actually move properly, I can hardly bloody see because of this eyelash stuff. Is it supposed to make your eyelashes longer? Why does it restrict your vision so much? And why don't girls walk into trees or walls all the time because of it?

I have. Several times.

Sirius has stayed out of my way. He should, too. I'll get him for this. The bloody imbecile. He should be in Azkaban secure unit, that one.

Later Sunday, June 21st.

Screw you, Sirius Black.

Your little plan backfired.

Lily found out it was you that turned me into this hideous contraption.

And she feels sorry for me. She said you played a low down, dirty trick, and you'd be in detention for the rest of the month. So whenever you read this, and I know you will because you're a git, the boot is now on the other foot.

And I've got a good mind to keep this atrocity on my head. Because you know what? She even kissed my cheek. That's right. My lovely powder covered face. That's how sorry she felt for me.

I'm never washing this cheek again.


	8. Photos and Poets

**Author's Note;** None of these characters are mine. Next time I might shorten that to NOFCAM. I think that sounds quite fun. Ahem.

**Picture Perfect**

Saturday, June 27th.

It's been a week since the whole, er, 'incident'. And I don't have long brown hair and curls and whatnot any more. Though the nail polish hasn't completely come off yet. Madam Pomfrey said she'd be keeping it on just because it was funny.

Horrid woman.

And the whole school is still laughing at me. Normally things like these are got over pretty quickly. But oh, no, because it's ME, it has to be stretched out for ages.

Actually, why am I complaining? Because the most wonderful thing has happened because of all of this. I haven't really been talking to Sirius at all, or in fact Remus or Peter that much, because…

Because I'VE BEEN HANGING OUT WITH LILY.

Calm yourself, James.

She's warmed to me, she says. However, the slight let down to this is that she said I wasn't to get any ideas. But still, It's nice to do…er, homework with her. Not the homework. Just seeing her.

Sunday, June 28th.

Sirius had the nerve to come and speak to me today without apologising. The little…he's not even worth my time, really. I'd ignore him but Remus and Peter aren't the most interesting people. Moony thinks the idea of a rave up is to go to the library and study about radical mushrooms, and Wormtail generally wets himself whenever any of us speak to him. So I might just have to practice Quidditch.

A lot.

_Lily Evans touched your foul cheek with her pristine lips? _

_Why would she even let herself do that? I bet it still had foundation on it, too. I'm so amusing. You looked so great, Prongs, you really did, long hair and pink eyeshadow really suits you. More than it does Estella Prewitt, actually. You could do a gender swap. I hope to God someone got a photo of you, because I want to frame it and put it somewhere that I can be assured will always amuse me if I'm ever feeling bad…_

Monday, June 29th.

Shut up, Sirius. No one got a photo, so hah to you. Unless they did secretly, in which if I ever find one, I'll burn it and perhaps your hair straight away.

I'm feeling poetic again. Maybe I really am like Shakespeare. He wrote loads of love poems and no one called him a girlish wet, or turned him into one, either. Though those ruffs and what have you that they wore in those days didn't do much for their masculinity.

You know what, Prongs? You don't do much for your masculinity simply by breathing. I seriously will teach you how to be more manly if you want me to. I could start with the birds and the bees…You see, what happens, ikkle Prongsy, when a mummy bee and a daddy bee…

_I'm not going to continue in case I embarrass myself as much as you do with this diary. And I like being a man. It would be crap being a girl. How did it feel? You'd have to like shopping for clothes, and you'd actually enjoy doing your hair in the morning. _

_Hold on, you like doing all of that already…_

Later Monday, June 29th.

I really don't know how he gets hold of this. Rest assured, he won't be getting it any more, I don't think. Not if I have anything to do with it, which I do, because it's my journal.

And no I do NOT like shopping for clothes. I might buy them, but I don't like doing it, it's really boring. Honestly, it is. And have you seen my hair in the morning? It's already perfection, what would be the point in styling it? I only ruffle it when I see Lily so it looks better. Better than perfection. Now that's something.

Tuesday, June 30th.

I only have about eighteen days to woo Lily over and I think I'm doing a pretty good job, seeing as she actually laughed at a few things I said today. Maybe she was laughing at me, but that's not the point. She doesn't seem to hate me as much. So Sirius was actually doing a pretty good deal when he turned me into a girl. Not that I enjoyed one bit of it, of course.

I think I might ask her to Hogsmeade tomorrow. Just in a mate type capacity, you understand. I'm sure she'll understand it too.

Wednesday, July 1st.

Technically, does 'no' mean 'I understand?'


	9. Acceptance and Apologies

**Author's Note:** NOFCAM. You should understand that if you read the previous chapter. Thanks to all my reviewers, and hopefully the people who read but don't review will feel inclined to sometime. – shakes fist – xD

**All Apologies**

Saturday, July 4th.

Shall I tell you what I've done today?

It's only the most bloody brilliant thing I ever did.

I think she's finally accepted I'm not a git any more.

Well, at least, I'm not _that _much of a git, anyway.

But today I went to Hogsmeade. With Lily. And no one else.

Just us.

Bloody fantastic.

I don't know how I talked her into it, but I asked her again on Thursday about going to Hogsmeade, and maybe I pestered her a bit too much because she gave me a somewhat exasperated 'yes'. But that's not the point. I got her to go with me, and that's that.

We went to Madam Puddifoot's, of all places. I can't stand that wallpaper. Those horrible little kittens and things. Urgh. We talked, and I bought her a coffee, and that sort of thing. She's really interesting and nice.

And how boring do I sound? This isn't like me. Normally on a date I don't take them anywhere, we just snog.

See what Lily is doing to me? She's changing me! For the better, I hope. But I think I want a bit of my old self back. I need to talk to Sirius, I think.

Sunday, July 5th.

Record of my conversation with Sirius, the great pillock;

Sirius; "What do _you _want…"

Me; "Um."

Sirius; "Oh, shut up. Just come and sit down. I know you want to say you forgive me, and that I'm the most wonderful friend you could ever have (_sound of me trying to object at this point)_, but you don't need to. I'm that lovely that I'll let things go unsaid…"

Me: "Gnnnngnn…alright."

And I sat down next to him. It felt a bit weird. You know, like he was contaminating me with immaturity. And now it's back to normal with him. Well, as normal as it could ever be with someone like Sirius. But of course, I'll still be like I have been with Lily. And I don't think anyone can deny that I'm more mature these days.

Dumbledore is so going to pick me as Head Boy.

And if he doesn't, then the old bucket over the door thing may be in order.

Monday, July 6th.

Lily actually asked me to sit next to her in Transfiguration today.

Lily. Me. Table. Transfiguration.

Not so romantic, but whatever.

Unfortunately McGonagall didn't let us sit together. But the implication was still there.

Tuesday, July 7th.

How long is it till the holidays?

I was never very good at mental maths.

11 days, I think.

So, hopefully, by the end of day eleven, Lily Evans will be my girlfriend.

No such luck yet, of course, but judging by the coffee and the come-sit-next-to-me-in-transfiguration thing, she must think I'm entirely reformed.

Women are so naïve.


	10. Jumpers and Justice

**Author's Note;** NOFCAM, ect, blah-ity-blah. Sorry I haven't written in a while, I've been caught up doing A Level type stuff. Ergh. I hate exams…but anyway. And I'm sure that the Hogwarts school holiday system should be the same as the English system, but I can't be bothered to look in the books again.

**Friday, July 10th.**

I can't bloody believe it.

I had my journal confiscated. Only for three days, but the incentive, or whatever word it is, was still there. McGonagall, of course. When she found out that I was writing in this instead of about Transfiguration, she went mental. And told the whole class I was writing in a 'diary'. Which of course sent them up in fits of laughter (led by Sirius, the bastard). The whole transfiguration class thinks I'm a classic wet. But I'm not. I was just writing about how beautiful Lily is. I hate McGonagall. She was smirking while she told me off. Transfiguration is crap, it's not my fault she's boring…

But anyway. I noticed one thing about when my journal was taken away.

Lily wasn't laughing.

She looked as if she was annoyed at McGonagall for ridiculing me.

**Saturday, July 11th.**

Actually, I've just realised that she may have been annoyed that I was writing in a journal other than actually listening to Transfiguration. Just like McGonagall.

Damnit.

**Sunday, July 12th. **

I have…how many days? It was eleven on Tuesday, I think. So I have six days.

SIX DAYS.

And she hasn't talked to me since Wednesday.

I'm screwed, I really am.

**Later Sunday, July 12th.**

I'm not screwed. I'm not! She's said she'd go with me to Hogsmeade. Again. Our last Hogsmeade visit of sixth year. I can't bloody wait.

However, she did say not to get my hopes up as she wanted help to get a present for her Uncle. I hate being a boy sometimes.

**Midday, Sunday July 12th.**

What do Uncles like, anyway? I don't know what mine likes, due to not having one. Do they like wrinkly sweaters like Remus's dad does? Do they like weird amulet type things like Sirius's Uncle (and the rest of his family bar him and Estella)? My guess would be no, to that one…unless Lily's Uncle is a secret Death Eater.

Hardly likely, as he's a muggle.

Hmmm. Maybe I should ask her about that one.

But what else is there?

Perhaps he likes chocolate, like every member of Peter's family. They should lay off it a bit, if I'm being completely honest.

So I don't know what to get her Uncle. Not that I'm getting him an actual present. I'm there to help (i.e. say 'No, he wouldn't like that huge pink fluffy toy rabbit').

Wait a minute. What if 'shopping for my Uncle' is actually code for 'snogging behind Zonko's storeroom'?

I am so in there.

**Later Sunday, July 12th.**

Actually, it wasn't code for snogging at all. I always get that code thing wrong. I had to actually trudge round looking for a mind-controlled set of cards for old Uncle Archie to play solitaire.

How is he going to have the mind power to even look at them, let alone play with the things?

**Authors Note (again);** Sorry it's short but I wanted to save the last few days for the next chapter rather than this one being really long. Hopefully the next one will arrive shortly!

Thanks to; Samdum The Bouncing Hobbit and her new good friend Snowy (e.g Sarah the most brill) I love roleplaying witchoo! Thanks also to my other reviewers, Audreyblaine, waterdreamer, Bucky, Bankok, Emittyloo my bearded friend, all the regular folks, and everybody else (see, if you review lots, you get mentioned, isn't that special...). Now, review more or I'll shoot you.

Thanks.


	11. Afternoons and Avoidance

**Author's Note:** Same as usual, I don't own characters, etcetera and so forth. This chapter should prove to be a nice long one. If it's not, you can eat me.

**Monday, July 13th.**

Five full days (including this one) and counting. So that's a school week. We're leaving Friday. So if I'm not going out with her by the time we're on the train, then I fail. Yes? I'm sure that's a fair bet with myself. So. We're all sat in the common room now; it's one of those lazy evenings where no one does anything. Let alone speak. Not that Alice and Frank do any talking when they're together, anyway…

Lily's sat playing that solitaire thing over in the corner.

She bought one for herself, too.

How weird is that?

Iseriously wouldn't have the mind power.

Maybe I should go over and see if I can give it a go. Right.

**Five minutes later, Monday July 13th.**

No, I can't.

**Still Monday July 13th, Sat Being Miserable In My Own Corner.**

I only wanted to try it.

She said I broke her concentration.

What, and Alice and Frank attached to each other's mouths next to her wasn't breaking her concentration?

Actually, considering Alice is her best friend, she must be used to it by now.

Or maybe she isn't…

**About Midnight, Monday July 13th, So In Fact Almost Tuesday, July 14th.**

Wow.

Or maybe not wow, depending on how you look at it.

Well, I need to go over that again.

Just to see that it was real.

So, what happened? Well, Lily looked slightly bored at playing mind-control solitaire, and saw me looking at her. Inwardly I prepared myself for a glare or possibly worse.

But it never came.

Instead, Lily Evans walked over to me. Which was when I shut my journal and stowed it under the chair in an instant. She smiled. And asked me if I wanted to come on a walk.

And how can a bloke say no to that?

So, we went out the portrait hole, and walked down the corridor to the grand staircase. And went down a few flights. We weren't really going anywhere as such. We talked quite a bit. I made her laugh, as well, which was good. I couldn't stop grinning.

This is all getting a bit slushy, but I'm just writing it as it happened. Just in case Sirius ever decides to pick this up again and it just happens to fall open at the very page I was writing on. And then he just happens to pick up his horrible quill and write in it.

But I'm digressing.

So we walked along the fifth floor corridor, the portraits all agog and slightly miffed because we'd woken some of them up with our talking. And she suggested going into one of the classrooms. Which I thought was a bit forward, but who am I to complain?

Turns out she only wanted to show me something she found out in charms. A picture of an incantation. She thought it might help me. Whoop de doo. I thanked her, and we walked back out the classroom.

And then.

And then.

I didn't mean to. I leant forward, and I kissed her. I kissed her on the lips, and for a time…she kissed me back.

Before she realised what she was doing. She drew back with this shocked look on her face, and then ran away down the corridor, not looking back.

Crap.

_Of course I'm going to find this lying around, you left it in the bloody dormitories open on your bed, you great big fool. Half the dorm could have read it, but me being the nice bloke I am, I rescued it and took it with me._

_And just happened to read it._

_And write in it._

_I can't believe this. You kissed Lily Evans? On the **mouth**? And she kissed you back? What on earth is the world coming to? Wow. Get in there, Prongs._

_The slight fact that she ran away might be a bit of a put off for you, but there we go. Hey, maybe she ran off because you're a crap kisser. Hah. I wouldn't know, obviously, but I bet you are. You can't be good at nearly everything._

_Maybe the Quidditch compensates for something, if you understand what I mean…_

**Tuesday, July 14th. **

Sirius!

I hate that boy sometimes.

Of course I can kiss! I've never had any complaints. I can be brilliant at both Quidditch and kissing, thanks very much. And I don't need to compensate for anything, either.

Bloody friends.

She's avoiding me, at the moment. I've seen her duck behind tapestries and hide in classrooms and whatnot, but I'm going to corner her and make her talk to me. She can run, but she can't hide!

Well clearly she can, she's been doing it very well, but that isn't my point. I'll track her down sometime. Unfortunately I've been given a very long essay on the good points of using Wolfsbane so I don't think it'll be tonight that I find her.

Bloody Slughorn.

**Wednesday, July 15th.**

Three full days left. Oh God. I messed it up, didn't I? I hate being me. If I were Remus, she'd like me. She likes Remus. She hangs out with him at the library at his usual mushroom-rave-ups.

I can't stand this. I really liked being her sort-of friend. I've got like, a part of me missing now. Well, perhaps not, but it sounds romantic. Maybe I should tell her that; it might change her mind about me.

Though judging by the poetry I wrote for her and her reaction to that, maybe not.

**Still Wednesday, July 15th.**

This is making me really depressed now. I wish I'd never felt spontaneous. I wish I'd never kissed her. Because I want to do it again. It was really nice. Too nice.

Like forbidden fruit, you know?

Like when you kiss someone else's girlfriend.

Not that I've ever done that, Sirius. It was someone else.

**Author's Note:** Moo ha ha. I said I'd finish the year in this chapter, but I LIED. I wanted to finish it there so the chapter was just the right length, and also because I have plans for the next one. Thanks to all my reviewers, and so on. I will update soon!


	12. Suitcases and Sticks

**Author's Note;** Right. Well. Finally updating, and sorry if this is rubbish, but I have cramp, a headache, and the shivers. And I had to take horrid dispersible aspirin. Oh well. Enough of feeling sorry for myself. – cheers –

**Do You Love Me? - Kiss**

_I'm sorry, but what?_

_You've snogged one of my exes? You cheeky little…_

_Ah well. _

_You know what?_

_That sort of makes up for the fact I snogged Lily in Third Year but never told you._

Thursday, July 16th

YOU. DID. WHAT?

AND YOU NEVER TOLD ME? YOU….

GIT!

I AM NOT GOING TO SPEAK TO YOU EVER AGAIN!

HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME? SOME FRIEND YOU ARE!

Also, when and why and how?

Could you please fill me in on the circumstances?

And she is a pretty good kisser, too, don't you think?

_Oh, good, you aren't going to talk to me again. And judging by the fact that this diary was lying next to the bin with all the pages flapping about like something demented, you are pretty angry. Because girls never throw their diaries away unless something catastrophic happens._

_Oh, come on, Prongs._

_It was Third Year; I didn't even have body hair then. Well, I had a bit. More than you, anyway. And it was during a game of that weirdo muggle thing, spin the wotsit. Stick?_

_No, that's not it. Anyway, spin the something._

_And I kissed her. She pulled away, wiped her mouth on her sleeve, and went 'eurrgh'. _

_So, all in all, I wouldn't be that angry with me._

Friday, July 17th.

Fine. I forgive you, Sirius effing stupid Black.

But only because this is the last proper day that I can get Lily Evans to like me.

Or at least talk to me.

I'm going to search for her. I hope I find her.

God, I need all the luck in the world.

Very Very Late, Friday, July 17th.

Hmmmm.

Well, I found her.

And I'm glad I did.

And she didn't run anywhere. She just stood there and nodded at me like I was something mildly interesting. And then tilted her head to the side. I don't know why she did that. She shrugged, and walked over to me.

"Hi."

I gulped and gave her a small grin.

"Listen, Lily, about the other night, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean for anything to happen, it was only because you were there and I was…" And my God, I babbled for as long as it was humanely possible to listen to me. I think I may have even mentioned House Elves, and cake, and anything else that popped into my head.

Is it any wonder she hates me?

Correction.

_Hated _me.

Now I seem to think she quite likes me.

I mean, you don't kiss people you don't like, right?

So, HAH, Sirius, should you happen to 'mistakenly' come across this again! Unless…

Oh God.

What if she was just kissing me to get me to shut up? Because she did do it out of nowhere.

And, to be fair, I was going on for about four years.

To think I actually thought she liked me…oh, I've gone and made such an arse of myself. I need to find her when we're on the train tomorrow. Because she's gone to bed now. I think I'm the only person in this whole bloody castle still awake. Minus Peeves. And he doesn't even count.

Bugger.

Saturday, July 18th.

Well, I couldn't be bothered to pack yesterday, which meant I had a bit of a flap this morning. Sirius, the genius (not) decided he'd pack for me with one of his famous spells, which meant that the ornaments from the fireplace got put in my suitcase too, and he didn't tell me. McGonagall thought I was stealing and said it was a good job it was the holidays or she'd have to give me four months worth of detention.

They weren't even that nice.

I'm on the train now, which might explain the wiggly writing. I've looked for Lily about ten times, but I swear to God she's avoiding me. I'm stuck with Sirius, who finds it amusing to breathe on the window and draw parts of the female anatomy on the misted bit. I don't know what sort of 'female anatomy parts' he's seen, but they look rather odd-shaped, to say the least…

Hold on. He's wiped that off rather hastily. Has Remus come back?

Bugger- I seem to be using this word quite a bit now when she's involved.

It's Lily.

Saturday, July 18th, finally home, unfortunately with Sirius in tow.

Why can't Sirius go to his own effing home?

Oh.

Yeah.

I know why.

Never mind.

He's still not leaving me in privacy to write about my NEW GIRLFRIEND!

That's right. Lily Evans has finally said she'll go out with me. Which means I am quite possibly the most elated person in the world right now. Excuse me while I get this down on paper.

YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES!

Hem. I think I'm done now.

Sirius is pretending not to read over my shoulder, but failing abysmally. I don't care. He's read the whole bloody thing anyway. And I can actually gloat about this sort of thing now.

She's a damn good kisser.

We're meeting next week in Diagon Alley and everything is going to be absobloodylutely perfect…

_You know, Prongs, I heard off Robert Davies that she's only going out with you for a dare from her friend Alice._

_Just a thought._

_Thought you might like to know._

WHAT?

I only went to the toilet for about two seconds…

You're a prat, Sirius.

He's buggered off now. Something about 'helping your mum with the dishes'.

Sirius can't even pack a suitcase. He can't even eat neatly.

How the hell is he going to wash dishes?

But…wait.

It's not a dare, I'm sure. She would never do that to me! Evans Lily LOVES me. She's not that cruel! Hold on.

She did make me kiss a toad.

BUGGER.


	13. Cooking and Confessions

**AN;** I haven't updated for a while due to starting my A2 course, but I'm all alone on a Friday night (yes, I have no friends) and felt I should update – It's in need of it! So, I hope you enjoy, and if you don't…well. Never mind.

**Love, Among Other Agonies**

Sunday, July 19th

This is supposed to be the first day of the holidays.

For me, it's the first day of extreme torture.

Alice wouldn't make a bet like that, would she? I thought she came from a nice family, father in the ministry, mother a…well, I don't know but I imagine she cooks nice dinners, or something.

You never can tell, can you?

Assuming she has actually made this ridiculous bet thing.

Muggles may be onto something, actually, with those fellytones you see them take around, where you can send messages from. Owl post just doesn't have instant relief, really.

Besides, what would you put?

_Dear Lily,_

_I hear you're only going out with me for a bet?_

_And if you are, fancy elaborating?_

_Yours sincerely, James Potter._

You see what I mean?

I'm utterly and thoroughly at a loose end.

Sirius isn't helping by replaying his entire conversation with Robert Davies about aforementioned bet over and over again.

Apparently Davies (the complete git, I'd hex him but we're not allowed in the holidays, which is useless – what's the point of going to learn about magic if we can't even bloody use it?) came up to Sirius, punched him on the arm in a manly how-are-you sort of way, and told Sirius about a hilarious story he'd just heard from Polly Luton.

I hate holidays.

Oh, hold on, mum wants me to help cook the pasta, apparently she's burnt it.

How that woman manages to burn things even with the use of magic mystifies me.

Also I don't know how on earth you can burn pasta.

_Oh, Prongs, you're such an ikkle-wikkle stresshead, you are. It was only what Polly had heard from Jenny, who'd heard it from Lucy, who'd heard it from Rebecca. You know what girls are like with their silly rumours._

_Though, judging by the fact that Lily used to hate you, it might be a rumour based on fact, because surely people can't change their mind that quickly._

_You know what, Prongs, you should get her to sleep with you, because she'd only do that if she really did like you. Girls are silly like that._

SIRIUS!

That's awful! You can't just sleep with girls like that…

You don't, do you?

Why am I asking anyway! You shouldn't be writing in this, let alone reading it. I should keep it on me at all times, but unfortunately with a mother like mine that might not be possible. We had to start again with the pasta.

But anyway, I respect Lily and that means I'm not going to ask her to do something like that.

I know.

I'll just ask her, outright, when we go to Diagon Alley in two days. I only have to wait two days. It can't be that bad, can it? Two days.

I bet that's nothing to, erm…

No, not a clue, actually. It's a bloody long time.

Monday 20th July

One day left. I got a letter from her, which was quite short.

_Dear James,_

_How are you?_

_I hope everything's well with you and Sirius. My family were glad to see me back. I've already started on my homework. I want it out the way, because then it means I get more time to do my own things, and see you, if you'd like. I know I would._

_Is it alright if we meet outside Gringotts tomorrow at twelve? If you have any objections, send an owl, but if not, I wouldn't bother, as I'm visiting my aunty before coming down to London. _

Can't wait to see you, love Lily.

_P.S. If you bring Sirius, can you try convince him to do something on his own? I'd like to be with you without him, if that's possible._

Short it may have been, but it most definitely sounds as if she's quite keen on me. And I'm glad I don't have to write back, because I'm rubbish at writing letter and would probably end up asking what kind of socks she wanted for Christmas, even though I'd never get her socks.

I showed it to Sirius and he went a bit moody for a bit, then declared he's stay at home if he wasn't wanted, and would help my dad set up his shed.

I said that was fine, and he most certainly wasn't wanted.

It's a shame no girl wants Sirius.

Well, they do. But not like Lily wants me (I hope).

Maybe Sirius just needs a woman's love to help him understand girls, and stop being such a dirty cheat.

I know I'm much happier being a one-woman man. It doesn't matter to me that I can never kiss another girl again, because I don't want to. Lily's perfect, and I wouldn't ever want to leave her. I miss her, you know. And the best part is, I don't care if it sounds wet. It's how I feel.

Tuesday July 21st

_Wow. Profound, Prongs. That was actually quite sweet, though I hate to admit it. Ergh, you're getting all mature and grown up. It's a good job I'm you're friend, because otherwise I might not like you._

_I wonder how you're getting along in Diagon Alley._

_You're a prat for not inviting me. _

_I really needed new robes._

_We'd better go, just you and me, sometime. _

_You know what, Prongs? I kind of miss the old times. You've got a girl now, and you don't need me as much. And I don't like it, I suppose. And that's the most sentimental you'll ever hear me being to you, so don't bother laughing. It's quite a coincidence that the word sentimental has 'mental' involved._

_Maybe I do need a girlfriend._

_I wonder if Polly Luton goes further than snogging on the first date?_


	14. Idiocy and Ingenuity

**AN; **Sorry if this isn't up to standard, but I'm not myself at the moment – I'm a bit upset but I'm just wallowing now! Hope you enjoy, it's quite a short one, I think.

**Mission Impossible**

Wednesday July 22nd

Well, I was going to give a word-by-word or detail-by-detail account of mine and Lily's day out, but first I've got to get over what Sirius said in his previous entry. It's like a bloody shared journal, this.

He misses me?

How can he miss me?

I'm sharing the same room as him.

I really think he does need his own girlfriend.

But first I think he needs some tact.

How sad does this sound coming from me? I used to be the master of not-having-any-tact. And now I'm a lovely, wholesome, all-rounded superb boy.

BUGGER.

What am I doing?

Now I get what Sirius means.

I've grown up!

How do you stop that?

There's no spells to stop it, are there?

Oh, you can't use magic outside of Hogwarts. Damn. Plan foiled.

But hold on.

Why do I want to stop growing up and being all mature and stuff? It's got me Lily. I can't lose that.

WHY CAN'T FRIENDS AND GIRLFRIENDS ALL WANT THE SAME THING?

I think I should describe my dad with lovely Lily. Lovely lovely Lily. That might take my mind off this ridiculous best friend/girlfriend business.

Well, like the letter stipulated (I've never used that word in my entire life, something must be wrong with me) we met outside Gringotts at twelve. And she came right up and kissed me. Which took my mind off the whole bet thing, as you might imagine.

For a bit.

We looked around the shops, holding hands. The best bit is, that she's not afraid of being seen with me in public like before at Hogwarts. So I was thinking, surely it can't be a bet if she looks this happy?

Either that or she's a damn good actress and should go in for an audition for…erm, the witch, in, erm…Macbeth.

But I digress.

We went to Flourish and Blotts, because Lily wanted a new book. I forget what, because I was back on to thinking about the bet. That girl really likes shopping for books. She was like a thing possessed looking for it, dashing round madly until she got it, and I just stood there looking like a prize pillock because I'd forgotten what she was looking for.

It's easy to forget things when you look at Lily.

She just takes your breath away.

She's so…perfect.

When we walked back out into Diagon Alley I did in fact bang into a lamp stand because I was staring at her so intently.

But I can't classify as a stalker because I'm actually going out with her.

Lily burst into a fit of giggles when that happened, and I couldn't stand it any longer. Rubbing my nose, I went and opened my big stupid mouth…

"Lily, are you only going out with me for a bet?"

She stood there, looking bemused. I repeated the question. Then the giggles started again.

"Who did you hear that from?"

"Erm, Sirius got it from Robert Davies, who heard it from Pol…"

"James. You can't believe everything you hear. Polly's just jealous. You know she fancies you?"

Like half the female population, I wanted to add.

Three quarters.

"James. Listen. I didn't like you. You know that. But now…I do. I like you a lot. I don't know why. I think you've grown on me. And grown up a bit, too. You make me smile. I can see this going somewhere."

And, for once in my life, I was absolutely stumped. I couldn't speak. I just grinned like a manic cat.

"James?"

"Oh, erm, um, uh, yeah….I knew it wasn't a bet. I just wanted to make sure." I lied. And then we continued walking. It really was an excellent day.

And then I got home to a sulking Sirius, and this journal entry of his.

I don't know what to make of it.

You know what?

I think me and Lily need to find Sirius a girlfriend.

I've just had an even brillianter idea.

How about we show Sirius how girls like to be treated?

He thinks they like him how he is.

But all he's good for is one-night stands.

We have to make Sirius into a man who isn't afraid of commitment.

I'm going to send Lily a letter, inviting her here for a week.

And then we will begin Operation Get Sirius A Girlfriend.

I'm such a bloody genius.


	15. Ideas and Insults

**AN; **Well, it's been a while, but I think this might need an update – it's been feeling a bit neglected. So I may just give several updates at once. Oh, and of course, none of the characters are mine, so on and so on, hence it being fanfiction…

**Sirius's Lonely Hearts Club Band**

Thursday July 23rd

Here is written a record of the conversation that took place between Sirius and myself this morning (please bear in mind Sirius is very much _not_ a morning person).

"Sirius. Mum's called for breakfast."

"Thassnice, now go'way."

"Sirius. You have to get dressed."

"I'vegottasockon, now buggeroff!"

"Sirius. Do you want a girlfriend?"

…

(please note that ellipses indicate silence)

"Sirius? You haven't gone back to bed, have you? Sirius? It's just that…Lily was wondering if you would like to go out with us and her friend Olivia – "

"When do we leave?"

And with that, he'd wrenched the door open and was grinning in my face. In his boxers. Now, I'm all for us being friendly and all that, but seeing Sirius in the morning wearing incredibly tight boxers so every pore is pronounced is just taking things a bit too far.

"Sirius, do you even _know_ what Olivia looks like?" I said, looking at a very interesting picture of some horses on the wall behind him.

"Yeah, she's the hot chaser from Ravenclaw. When are we going, then?"

Oh dear.

It looks like we have a lot of work to do.

So. Let me update. After my genius idea yesterday, I sent an owl over to Lily explaining everything thoroughly, and did she happen to have any friends who hadn't been 'molested' by Sirius yet?

Lily replied rather promptly, and for some reason, she didn't seem to keen. But she agreed anyway. Apparently her friend Olivia was going to visit soon – over this weekend. And we were going to meet up anyway. Olivia didn't fancy third-wheeling, so she said Sirius would be some company, but neither myself nor Sirius were to get any ideas about double-dating.

So, we're going to Diagon Alley again this Saturday.

Sirius says he can't wait.

Oh, bugger.

I don't want Olivia to end up getting molested and Lily hating me for it.

Bugger.

Why do I have to always have the **stupidest** ideas?

_Wow, you've written a lot since I looked in here last, Prongs. _

_And what a load of absolute rubbish it is._

_Me, need a girlfriend? Are you off your head, mate? I don't need any girl. I have quite enough as it is. Serious relationships are for suckers, anyway. Look at what a pansy you've turned into since you started going out with Evans. You harp on about her all the time, even bloody more than you used to._

_And I'm not going to 'molest' Olivia. I never have 'molested' anyone, thank you very much. They do things because they want to._

_Because I'm excellent._

_I bet you're a rubbish kisser._

_And even rubbisher at other things. Perhaps that's it. You're just jealous of my conquests. Well, don't worry, ikkle Jamesie, it'll happen one day. _

_Even if I have to take you to Knockturn Alley and pay someone for you._

Friday, July 24th

SIRIUS!

That's DISGUSTING!

I am never going to hire out a prostitute thank you very much, especially not from Knockturn Alley.

I'm not Wormtail, for Christ's sake.

How are you still finding my diary?

It's my bloody house! I know all the secret places! Have you put some sort of detector on it? I hate you, Sirius Black. I was going to do you a favour, this weekend. This is how you repay me! By saying I'm sexually deprived.

I'd rather be that than some sort of crazed lunatic whose entire world revolves around when his next snog is going to be.

I was going to leave you and Olivia to it on Saturday, but now I'm worried. I don't want you messing up things between me and Lily. I don't know if I can trust you with Olivia.

I wish you'd stop being such a pig to me, Sirius. I know you're jealous, but you don't have to take it out on me.

I can't wait for tomorrow.

And I respect Lily.

I'd never make her do anything she never wanted to do.

Though I would quite like to see her out those robes and the baggy jumpers she wears.

They don't do much for a person.

AND NOT IN THAT WAY, SIRIUS.

Just in some jeans or something.

I swear.


	16. Girls and Goblins

**A/N:** It's late, I'm tired, and this is a rather sentimental old chapter, so it may not be of usual standard, but it's time for James to perhaps grow a little, don't you think? R & R please!

**Drunk Enough To Dance**

Saturday 25th July

Today is the day that we show Sirius he can be a responsible, wholesome and mature person. He will act with dignity, decorum, and will think his actions through before actually going through with them.

What a big, fat, sodding lie.

Sirius has never 'acted with dignity'. The only time I saw him show any 'decorum' was when he got knocked out by the Whomping Willow. He was at his most dignified then, because quite frankly, he didn't do much.

Sirius lying on the floor moaning in pain is the most responsible and wholesome he gets.

Lily's supposed to be coming over next week. I hope Sirius doesn't put her off. I can cope, I'm used to it, but imagine Lily having to share living space with Sirius – including bathroom space.

We're going in half an hour. By floo. By any luck, Sirius'll get lost in the grates.

Sunday 26th July

I hate my life.

Monday 27th July

No, actually. I hate Sirius. What an utter pillock.

I don't think I will ever speak to him ever again.

Or Lily.

Which is unfortunate as Sirius is still staying for the rest of the summer. And Lily is staying next week, because her parents are going away and it's the only place she has to stay.

Lily is officially my ex-girlfriend.

Thanks to pillock Padfoot and his molestations (if that is even a word, and if it isn't I couldn't care less, because it's what he does).

I don't think I can go through it all again. It was painful enough the first time.

The upshot of it is that Lily doesn't want to take her chances with someone like me - who has a friend like Sirius.

A friend who tries to get Olivia so plastered she'll agree to marry a Gringotts Goblin.

Sirius succeeded on the first part (Lily and I had gone off by ourselves, or this wouldn't have happened, of course). But failed on the second as we happened to bump into them on our way to the Leaky Cauldron.

I've never seen Lily so mad.

She said I had untrustworthy friends, and if that was the way I picked my company she wouldn't be so sure if she could trust _me_, either. I might be luring her into the Leaky Cauldron to take advantage of _her_, as well.

Which is utter rubbish. I love her, I'd never do that.

But I didn't see much point in telling her my thoughts on the subject, because she had _that_ Lily look, the one I'd seen so many times, the one where I know I'm never going to get anywhere no matter how much I argue.

She was redder than red. Her face glowed brighter than her hair.

So she said it was her or Sirius.

I don't want to give either of them up.

Why the bloody hell can't everyone just get along? I know it's only stupid models on the front of 'Witch Weekly' who say they wish for 'eternal world peace' but at the moment, I think I'm in agreement with them, even if I have more brain capacity than all of them put together.

Why did she give me an ultimatum?

It's…like, an impossible situation.

Sirius has been my best friend for six years. We have done everything together.

Especially detention.

I've been practically in love with Lily Evans since the first day I clapped eyes on her.

But now I don't know what to do. I want to keep them both. I can't say one matters more than the other, because that doesn't work.

Sirius seems a bit sheepish.

I think he knows himself he took it too far.

Well.

And Lily. We were having such a great time. Just me and her. Doesn't that count for anything? We talked, and laughed, and everything was just…right.

Why do I have to be so bloody sentimental?

Sirius was probably right, I am a sodding girl.

It'd be a damn sight easier, that I can tell you.

Then everyone would do exactly what I wanted.

Because girls always seem to get their way.

I swear girls must have PMT every day of the month.

What an eventful week this is going to be.


	17. Sheds and Sirius again

**Author's Note;**

Sorry it's so short, but I assure you more will be coming when I am working less, and have time. This is just to keep you happy!

**Homeless and Hungry?**

Later, Monday 27th July

She'll arrive in an hour.

Well, apparently. That's if she's not convinced her parents that tramps would be better guardians for their lovely innocent daughter for the week.

My mum was really excited about meeting her, too.

Now it's all ruined.

Sirius hasn't come out of his room.

Let alone talked to me.

Which is probably a good thing.

Because if I wasn't restricted by the whole 'expelled from Hogwarts' thing, and if it wouldn't end me up in the Ministry tribunals for 'irresponsible behaviour', I'd have used my full repertoire of hexes, jinxes and curses on Sirius's stupid face.

What's the use of learning magic like that if we can't even use it on morons like Sirius without being dragged up in front of a load of old warlocks as wrinkled as the out-of-date prunes my dad keeps trying to pawn off on me, saying they're good for my 'digestive system'?

Oh. Bugger.

I just realised something.

Lily was supposed to be staying on the spare mattress in my room.

She won't want to be within the same space as me, never mind actually sleeping in it.

Why does my mother have to be so 'modern' and 'relaxed'?

She should be making me sleep in the shed, like any normal paranoid parent of a hormonal seventeen-year-old boy.

Actually, the shed might be a good bet considering the alternative is sharing a room with a girl who hates my guts.

It's quite a roomy shed.

This has to be the longest hour of my life.

Why can't she just arrive now? Then she can ruin my life again and we can get it out of the way quicker.

Doesn't she have friends?

Not in a nasty way. I just mean it would be a damn sight better if she'd stayed with Alice or something.

Mind you, there's only so much 'oooh, Frank this, Frank that' one person can take.

Maybe it won't be so bad.

All I have to do is murder Sirius.

Then it might be alright.

Unless she gets to him first.

Which she could. Because I just heard the door go.

No time to poison/hex/brutally dismember Sirius.

I think I might have to hide.

In another country, preferably.


	18. Parents and Plots

**Famous Last Words**

Even Later, Monday 27th July

I, James Potter, have now experienced the most embarrassing moment in my life. So far. Who knows what further delights await? With parents like mine and Lily's, who needs dignity?

So, approximately four hours ago, Lily turned up with her parents, and at precisely 7.03 PM, my life became officially over. I knew she hated me. And I was right.

Lily entered our hallway, gave my parents the hugest lovely-wonderful-girl-smile that she uses on McGonagall, the one that could convince even a Goblin that she was a fallen angel, and then completely ignored that I was there. Imagine! I'm not even worth a dirty look any more.

Her parents followed behind. Lily should most certainly be glad she got no genes from her father.

Her mum's some kind of goddess, I swear.

I couldn't imagine how the guy had done it. Either love is blind, or…actually, that family can't use magic, so I don't know how he did it. Lily's family aren't exactly minted, I know that much. So it wasn't his money she would be after. Maybe he's hilarious? Or brilliant in...ew. Too far.

If I were Lily, I'd thank the lord I looked like my mum.

Anyway, I digress.

Because that woman might be beautiful, but the look she wore when she saw me was certainly not so.

And while my parents and hers were putting on the most brilliant 'polite' act I've ever seen in my life, I could feel the 'die, James, die' vibes the family were sending across.

Also, Lily said she had a sister. I wonder where she was?

What made this situation not only uncomfortable, but also embarrassing, was the decision my parents made to bring out the baby pictures of 'Jolly old Jamesie', including the ones of me naked on the beach.

I'd heard tales of this happening when girlfriends were invited round, but I never thought it would happen to me. If it were just Lily, that would be bad enough. But her parents?

That's just crossing the line (though I do love my mum).

And, to top it off, my parents were acting like Lily and I should be announcing the wedding at any moment. In fact, I think they may have asked that at some point.

Yes. They did.

"Oh, do tell me, Henrietta, when is the wedding expected?" _(sounds of laughter from Parents Potter)_

-

_(note that dash indicated the longest silence you have heard in your life, followed by a nervous giggle from maternal Potter)._

"Of course, I am only joking, my sense of humour is of corse…a little, urm, excuse me, I think the kettle has boiled…"

_(please note that as a witch, my mother does not own a kettle – she is simply looking for an excuse to get out of the LIVING ROOM OF HELL)._

You would think that a demon had come to stay, or something.

That is how awful the atmosphere is in this house.

It didn't take Lily's parents long to leave – after the wedding joke I think there was only so much polite 'Could you pass the tea, please' or 'another biscuit, Mr Evans?' they could withstand.

Lily looked positively murderous when they left. I wouldn't like to be them when she gets back to the loving Evans household. My feeling is they'll end up with tentacles growing out their face.

I wouldn't put it past Lily.

Oh, why can't she just love me again?

Sirius is doing a bloody good job of hiding, at the moment.

Seeing as he has the spare room, he doesn't have to try hard.

I wish my mum wasn't so ridiculously 'down with the kids' or whatever she likes to think she is.

Anyway, I'm having a 'peaceful' moment to write this now. Can you guess where I am?

Yes.

The shed.

Actually, I might leave the journal here. Because Sirius won't look for it here.

Lily is having a bath.

She has said three words to me since she arrived.

'Get lost, Potter.'

Oh, so we're back to 'Potter', are we?

Well, if she's going to have it that way, it may have to be back to the old ways. Screw trying to impress her.

I'm going to get Sirius back, and we're going to wreak as much havoc as we possibly can, just to spite her. Two can play at this game.

I'll give her a real reason to be annoyed.

That's how mad I am at her for being this frosty with me. It wasn't exactly my fault. If she's too stupid to realise that, maybe I don't actually want to be with her.

I don't want to be lumbered with someone whose IQ is lower than mine. It would just be embarrassing.

Right.

I'm going to see Sirius. And then I'm going to bed.

And I'm going to sleep as far away from Lily as possible (which may be hard, as we're in the same room, but no matter).

Tuesday, July 28th

Operation 'Revenge on Lily Evans' is in place.

No, I know it's not a very good name, but Sirius was too tired to bother with anything else. I slept in there, it turned out.

I couldn't face Lily's glaring eyes boring into me even as I slept.

To be fair to Sirius, he even tried his share of advice.

"Prongs, you know, I'm not an expert on the 'long-term relationship' sort of thing, but if you love Lily, can't you talk to her? Can't you tell her it was me?"

Wow. Talk about admission.

I didn't know Sirius felt guilty. But he does.

Which may be why he's so keen to help me with this. I told Sirius that I didn't love Lily, not any more (even though I do, and it's all I can do not to grab her and hold her and never let her go – I said that to Sirius once, and he laughed at me, so I'm hoping he doesn't find that I've repeated it. It's just how I feel), and that if she was so stupid to think it was my fault, when it was clearly his, she needed sorting out.

Sirius grinned.

"Well, Prongsie, let's kick the girl into touch then. What were you thinking of?"

I hadn't really got that far.

I tried to think of people who she'd really hate being framed with that live round here. Lots of people from Hogwarts live here, as it's one of the Wizarding 'Villages', or whatever they're known as.

But how would we frame her with them?

"How about we get her to spend time with Timothy Bates…you know, the Hufflepuff Quidditch Captain…and we track their 'progress', I suppose, and then, when they're about to kiss, or whatever, you chance upon them, and you march up to Lily, and you start shouting 'HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?' and that sort of thing, and believe me, as much as she hates you, she'll feel bad. Girls do."

Wow, words of wisdom from Sirius.

But how to we get him to like her? You can't just make things happen like that.

"Please, James, every boy in the school who is old enough to realise there is more to girls than them being just annoying people with longer hair fancies Lily. Of course he'll be game for it. And the best part is, he won't know he's being framed."

I scowled.

"You fancy Lily?"

"No, Prongs, that's not what I –"

"If you ever even touch her – "

"Look, you're my mate, why would I –"

"Then you'll have me to answer to. You know I like –"

"SHUT UP, JAMES. Everyone in the world probably knows you like her. I don't fancy her. She's good looking, okay? But I don't fancy her."

"Why don't you fancy her? What's wrong with her?"

Sirius rolled his eyes, and didn't answer. He paused for a second.

"Stop being difficult. Now, all we have to do is get Timothy to chance upon Lily. He knows you live here. You've been to his house, and stuff, haven't you?" I nodded. "Yeah, so you're on friendly terms. That's good. Well, all three of us should go there sometime. Then, her and Timothy hit it off, he invites her to go somewhere with him, or something. They see more of her. We follow her, using whatever means necessary. Your owl, or something. Or just stalking. I don't care if it's sad, you're my mate, and I've been an arse, so I'll help you."

Who is this bloke, and what has he done with Sirius Black?

"And no, I'm not on the turn. I don't fancy you, or anything. But, then, when the moment happens, you can walk past 'by chance', and voila, guilty Lily Evans."

"But, Pad, what if it doesn't work – what if he doesn't hit it off? What if she finds out?"

"Well, first off, you're forgetting our old friend Amortentia, or the Imperius Curse. I'm of age, I can do it."

My mouth dropped open.

"Yeah, well, desperate times. And, if she finds out, you just tell her you did it because you love her so much you'd do anything to get her back. Brilliant, eh? What could go wrong?"

Quite a lot, actually.

But it's the only plan we have.

And I really do want Lily. I suppose. Though she has been mean.

Let's get this plan into action!


	19. Joke Shops and Jealousy

**Author's Note:** So I disappeared for a LONG time, and this update is overdue so nobody will probably read it, but it's nice to be writing again. So if you do read it, and like it, I hope, thanks very much!

**Let's Get This Show On The Road**

Wednesday, July 29th.

Sirius is more mental than I ever thought he was if he thinks this plan is EVER going to work.

Seriously, there is more chance of a bat flying to the moon with a hippogriff strapped to its underside than this plan actually succeeding.

Why did I think it was a good idea?

I hadn't even had anything to drink, as I usually have when Sirius says something I find remotely 'sensible'.

Anyway, enough about crap plans that will never in a trillion zillion years actually happen.

And more about me and Lily.

Not that there is a me and Lily any more. That's partly why I don't think this will work.

Lily is past the point of ever wanting to have a conversation with me again, unless it's a conversation about how she can dismantle me into small pieces the size of my fingernails.

Oh, God. I've just thought.

There was that whole incident with the toad, wasn't there, last time Lily was mad with me.

She must be plotting some sort of revenge, because I heard my mum saying to my dad that "Lily was a quiet girl", and that "it wasn't normal for someone her age" (yes, my mum is apparently a qualified psychologist now).

I don't really know what my mum thinks is 'normal' for a girl who is ragingly hormonally imbalanced, but it seems like she's acting pretty appropriately for someone who could possibly be certifiably mental.

I mean, I don't get it.

My FRIEND does something bad, which you EXPECT of Sirius because he's a total utter dimwit, but she still penalises me, even though I've PROVED to her that I've changed, obviously, because I'm not a complete numpty any more.

But anyway, I think I could fill page after page with rants about the pair of them, but as life is not easily changeable, Sirius is still my best friend and I still am completely in love with Lily, even though she seems to have turned into some mutant redheaded harpie.

So, I'm actually in the shed, because it's the only place I can get any peace and quiet from a) Sirius coming up with 'brilliant' idea after idea, b) Lily seething silently in a corner, c) my mum discussing her psychoanalytic observations, and d) my dad nodding himself into an early grave.

Half our stuff is hoarded in here as well, ready for the plot to thicken.

Disguises: we had to go to the local muggle 'joke' shop for this (only Sirius found anything worth laughing about in here, namely a whoopee cushion and a chewing gum that turned your teeth black, which seemed like the most boring tricks you could play on anyone, speaking from experience; as someone with a large repertoire of tricks – hence my surprise that Sirius found ANYTHING remotely amusing). We now will resemble teenage werewolves, what with the surprising amount of fake body hair we purchased, and not a lot else other than a set of round bottle top glasses for Sirius, which make him look like he has eyes the size of saucers, and he keeps walking into walls when he puts them on.

We also have bought some decoy detonators, football gear (which I am assured all muggle boys in summer wear), and Sirius has procured some Amortentia, which I've told him he's not using, but he won't listen to me. He's not using it on Lily anyway, I'll tell you that much, because if he does, I will genuinely murder him.

But there's a knock on the door, and that means we're ready to go. Sirius has convinced Lily to come with us to Timothy's house, and probably because it will get her out of house of the damned for a couple of hours, she agreed to come. I'll leave this here, so I can write the tale of my demise into mental instability later when I see Lily flirting with a bloke that isn't me.

Later, Wednesday, July 29th

I have spent the most of this afternoon sitting on my hands so I do not attempt to punch Timothy Bates. I would really have loved to close my hands around his throat.

As plans go, it's actually working really well, so credit where credit is due to Sirius, but my GOD it means I want to kill people.

Even when we arrived, I could tell it was going to work really well, as Timothy knows both Sirius and I vaguely, and he did look a bit confused as to why we had turned up at his house, being that we had possibly in our school careers only said about ten words to one another. But we gave him the excuse that we were in the area, and we rarely saw any other Hogwarts students, so it would be good if we could pop in for a bit.

He seemed a bit dubious, but we figured that was because he hadn't seen Lily, as when she stepped to the side out from behind Sirius, his face changed and this stupid grin came onto his face ('_you look like that all the time, like an insane clown moron_', Sirius helpfully whispered to me), like his Christmas had come early.

I started to feel a bit shirty, but Sirius kicked me, and I forced a grin too.

"Oh, yeah, Tim, Lily's actually staying with us too, I forgot to mention, so would it be alright if we, er, well, hung out for an afternoon or something?"

Timothy didn't really reply, just managed a nod, and extended his hand out to Lily, which she took, and he shook it for just that _little bit_ too long.

"Come in, come in...would you like a cup of tea?"

He ushered us all in, Lily first, as his hand pushed the small of her back gently, which made my blood boil, but in a way that was just being friendly, so I couldn't really be justified in my eyes oozing pure hatred just yet.

So, the afternoon went okay, mostly with myself and Sirius talking to each other, while I actually tried to listen to Lily and Timothy's conversation but with not a lot of success, as Sirius kept talking about stupid stuff, and hitting me when I looked at her.

Timothy sounds like the most boring person in the world, but you could tell Lily was acting interested, and she kept looking at me, tossing her hair and looking bored, but then looking back at Timothy with a smile and eyes that just emulated 'I'm interested in what you have to say'.

If I didn't love her, I'd really really hate her right now for what she's doing.

If I had more hope and the world wasn't rubbish, I'd imagine she was trying to make me jealous, but that can't be right as she hates me, and surely if a girl likes you she just tells you? I thought they were all really up front about their feelings, as they're always telling us too much information, and rabbiting on about how great kittens are, or some other stupid girl bollocks that they talk about.

I'd rather take a lifetime of talking about kittens than sit in my shed for another week.


	20. Beards and Beans

**Author's Note:** So, this was a relatively quick update, but I felt after I'd gone away for so long I needed to put the plot out a little quicker than normal, so let's hope I can continue updating more frequently.

**Can't Buy Me Love**

Thursday, July 30th

_I feel like I haven't stolen this utter pile of rubbish for a long time, so I think I should actively hide the thing from you for a bit, as I need to catch up on the drivel you write about that evil cow._

_Prongs, you know what, I know you love the girl, but doesn't this all seem a bit futile?_

_I mean, surely by now, due to the fact I'm always telling you, you must see that you're a complete and utter imbecile? Lily has certainly realised this fact._

_Maybe you should write more poetry._

_Not for her, you understand, as it wouldn't actually do you any favours, but I haven't laughed so hard I haven't been able to breathe in a while, so at least you'd be taking someone's breath away with your 'art'._

_I miss how stupid you used to be. You still are really thick, but you had a certain dogged stupidity when it came to Evans, and now you've actually gone out with her, it's like you can think of nothing else._

_You're really boring._

_Anyway. _

_Stage two of the plan is coming up, as from what I understand, Timothy and Lily are going to meet up tomorrow again, because she told him 'she can't even stand to be under the same roof as you'._

_So it sounds like our plan is going well._

_Or not, considering she actually wants to date the idiot from Hufflepuff, and hates you._

_But never fear, that's where this little vial of wonder will come in._

Saturday, August 1st

THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH PROFANITIES IN THE WORLD FOR YOU, SIRIUS EFFING BLACK.

I COULD GET A THESAURUS, LOOK UP THE WORD 'IDIOT', AND WRITE ALL THE FOLLOWING WORDS, AND IT WOULD NOT BE ENOUGH.

I CAN'T BELIEVE MY LIFE.

**NOT CALM.** NEED TO WRITE LATER.

Later, Saturday, August 1st

Okay, so, I am a little more calm.

Well, no, I'm not, but it hurts writing in capital letters with this quill in a very fast manner.

This plan has to be the worst plan since the Ministry of Magic thought 'Oooh, I know, we'll place Runes on the curriculum as a mandatory subject'. That idea never worked either.

So why did I think anything Sirius could come up with would work?

It was going so damn well too.

We followed her yesterday, when she met up with _him_.

And they got on like a bloody house on fire.

And they met up today, as well.

At which meeting, they got on like a mansion ablaze.

It was all 'oooh, stop it!' and 'tee hee hee Timothy, you're such a wheeze'. And enough compliments to make you want to vomit into the nearest bush.

So really, we didn't need to intervene.

But Sirius seemed to think he needed to buck things up a bit.

We crouched in the bushes, resembling a muggle comedy double act, with Sirius in his stupid glasses and fake fur attached to pretty much ever y single part of his face he could have covered, and myself in a rather impressive handlebar moustache and Zimbabwe football kit, I don't think we were exactly 'playing it cool'.

We'd been silent for a while, trying to listen in to Tiny Tim's stupid conversation with MY girlfriend (technically), when Sirius reached into the pocket of his dungarees, and pulled out a small pink bottle.

I immediately tried to grab it out of his hand.

'No, Sirius, you can jog on if you think I'm letting you use that on Lily.'

'Shut up Prongs, I'm going to use it on our new friend, you pillock, what do you take me for?'

A complete moron, to be honest.

I shrugged. To be fair I'm now so desperate to have Lily back there's not a lot I wouldn't consider.

Sirius took the vial and pulled out some Every Flavour Beans, dropping a touch onto each bean.

'Wait, Sirius, how do you know which is which?'

'Don't worry, ikkle Jamesie, I'm not going to offer any to Evans. Girls don't eat sweets, they're worried they will turn into their obese cousin if they do'.

And he suddenly stood up and strolled off, looking like the most insane teenager to ever cross the earth, in a pair of dungarees, with a string vest and bottle cap glasses, covered with a copious amount of facial hair. How do muggles have spies? It's ridiculously hard to disguise yourself without magic.

I couldn't hear what was going on, I was too busy sweating and fretting in the bushes, but everything seemed to be fine.

Then I saw Lily reach for an Every Flavour Bean. I saw Sirius hesitate, pull his hand back, but he obviously decided he couldn't think of a legitimate reason not to give her one.

My mind started going MENTAL.

It was like someone was screaming 'BUGGER' repeatedly in my ears, followed by a troll clubbing me on the head.

And then something looked more than wrong.

Lily and Timothy ate the sweets, and instead of looking dreamily at each other, like I was fearing, they simply looked confused, then both turned to face Sirius.

And smiled in a way that my mum would smile when she managed to cook us beans on toast without anything burning.

Sirius backed away, slowly, then it turned into a run, and before I knew it, he'd grabbed me by the scruff of my disgustingly bright football shirt, and we were soon racing homeward, two crazed followers in hot pursuit of the pair of us, or rather, Sirius.

We managed to shake them off, and I'm in the shed again because I never want to see my so called best friend ever again.

I don't know what it was in that vial, but it wasn't a love potion. Or, at least it was, but it wasn't your bog standard one. Sirius must have got it from a dodgy dealer.

As now, both Lily and Timothy are proclaiming their love for Sirius sodding Black.

How much worse can my life get?


	21. Tea and Testosterone

**This House Is Not A Home**

Sunday, August 2nd

I don't think I have the will to write any more.

Later, Sunday, August 2nd

I mean, I might as well just chuck myself off a bridge. What's the point?

Just A Bit Later, Sunday, August 2nd

This shed would look good if I converted it. I could build a cabin bed and make it into a two-storey shed.

Monday, August 3rd

Okay, so I didn't leave the shed all weekend. What actually depresses me more about that, other than the fact I slept in what is essentially a glorified toolbox, is the fact that my mum didn't actually seem to mind. She just wrote it off as 'one of those things' and didn't even come outside to offer me one of her trademark lukewarm, too much sugar teas, even though I take mine with none.

I bet Sirius is bloated from tea.

Is there such a thing as dying from a tea overdose?

I hope there is.

But anyway.

What do I do to sort this mess out?

Lily's obviously back in the house, but I don't know what she's been doing to pursue her love for Sirius, as I've spent the entirety of my time in the shed.

Sirius has been banging on and off on the shed door. It's quite handy that my dad put a lock on it, which is probably the only useful thing my dad has ever done.

Oh, what's this, under the door?

_Prongs,_

_What are you doing, you plank?_

_Surely you're hungry? I know your mum can't even cook a crumpet, but you must need some fortification. Think of all the work we have to do! _

_Look, I'm sorry that I used the potion. I thought that it would work. How was I to know? The guy looked credible enough when I bought it. He sold it to me for half price as well, which I thought was rather decent of him._

_Perhaps it wasn't so decent really, but still, it sort of worked. I mean, it did make Lily fall in love._

_Just not with you._

_She's been attempting to stalk me around the house but I've done a fairly good attempt of dodging her by going to the toilet A LOT._

_Prongs, come out. It's not my fault it didn't have the desired effect. Surely you can see I'm doing this for you?_

_I don't want to keep sounding queer, but look, you're my best mate, why would I want Lily when you clearly want her stuffed and put up in your front room for all eternity?_

_Come out, loser._

I'll have you know, Sirius, that the leftover carrots from the allotment patch are suiting me just fine. There's even a few potatoes in here. I could gorge like a king forever in this shed.

Huh. If he thinks I'm coming out after that pathetic excuse for an apology, he's got another thing coming.

Afternoon, Monday, August 3rd

So, I cracked.

I can't blame him forever.

Well, I can, but raw potatoes don't do a lot for your stomach.

Plus I really needed a wee.

I'm not accepting his apology properly until he's got me back with Lily, though.

I miss her. I can't believe we messed this up.

Granted, it probably was the worst plan in the world. Even worse than that idea to set up a Quidditch team at Azkaban.

This is too hard.

If you love someone, then you're supposed to be with them.

Especially when she likes you back. I know she does. She wouldn't have gone out with me in the first place, if she didn't.

But now she's in love with Sirius.

Who hasn't done a lot to reassure me that we're going to get this sorted, to be honest. He's come up with some half-arsed plan that involves him going to speak to Lily and telling her he's not in love with her: he thinks that might break the spell she's under. He thought it might wear off but clearly whatever rubbish potion he bought is long-lasting.

Imagine that. Cut price and long-lasting.

What great value for money.

Oh, hell. He might as well try speaking to her. I'll give him permission and then I'll earwig at the door, as she doesn't even stay in the same room as me now.

She goes all shy and gazes at Sirius, like he was some ridiculous male veela. You'd honestly never think there were anyone better looking in the world.

Which is stupid, because, I mean, I'm alive.

Right, well, I'd better tell him. This can't get any worse.

Later, Monday, August 3rd

_Er, I don't think you'll be writing in this for a bit, James._

_Not since you threw it at my head, anyway._

_I probably should excuse myself for it, but, I don't really know what to say._

_Lily's a good kisser, isn't she, Prongs?_


	22. Deductions and Drool

**How To Get Ahead In Life (If You're Sirius About It).**

Tuesday, August 4th

Right. Well. I feel like I need to explain myself, at least to someone, because I doubt you'll feel like speaking to me any time soon, Prongs.

I can sort of see why you have this diary – yes, diary, you big girl – it means you can vent all the world's frustrations and say exactly what you think, because paper doesn't judge you in the same way as a person will, and it certainly isn't going to interrupt you, unless it's one of the trick parchments from Zonko's.

See, look how sorry I am. I'm even being all deep and meaningful, and boring.

So, the gist of this. I promise you, James, it wasn't what it looked like. I SWEAR.

Well, yes, I certainly looked like I was kissing Lily, because that is exactly what was occurring, but even so, it wasn't like I wanted to, or anything.

Maybe telling you she was good at it wasn't quite the most tactical thing I've ever done, either, but since when have I been known for my massive amount of tact? I'd rather be known for other massive things.

Which it is, by the way.

Let me start from the beginning, because otherwise this is going to get all mixed up in my head, and you'll probably end up more mad than you were before, if that's even possible. You do have to realise you're positively insane when it comes to Lily – and yeah, alright, it's really annoying, but in a way, I'm pretty jealous because I don't know if I'll ever have something like that.

But that has nothing to do with Lily and what happened. I don't like the girl.

She's pretty much lost all sex appeal seeing as I hear her name more than I've had hot dinners.

Well. You know I mentioned this potion. Well, the whole point of the thing was that it would be a TEMPORARY measure.

I mean, we didn't want Lily in love with Timothy forever, did we? Imagine what their children would look like.

Potatoes cross-bred with goblins. He's not the best looking chap in the world. She could do better.

She could probably do better than an idiot like you, come to mention it, but you're my mate, and I have to appreciate your idiocy.

I got the potion from Knockturn Alley, it's true, but it obviously worked in some ways, so I was trying to think of a way around the whole 'Lily picked the wrong moron to fall in love with'. Even though our children would grace the front of 'Witch Fashion?' pretty much weekly.

When I bought it, the man explained through a severe speech impediment (probably incurred when his lip was split from what looked like a pretty terrible jinx – red warts surrounded the area like flies round a honey pot), that it would last until the desired effect had been produced. I got a bit distracted, I'll admit, because he kept producing too much phlegm, but still. I think I got the essence.

Do you get what I'm saying here, numpty?

Desired effect.

We wanted them to like each other, but we wanted it to be temporary WITH results.

So there had to be some proof they were going for it.

Are you putting two and two together, Prongs? And are you coming out with four, or seven? I know maths isn't your strong point.

Nothing's your strong point.

They had to kiss.

So, I deduced, I had to do the same.

I'm so sodding clever.

You might think it's the most far-fetched excuse in the world, but it's not. If you don't believe me, go and see Lily.

I think I liked her a bit more when she was all goggle-eyed for me. It became her, in a way. Normally she looks all clever and interested in things.

I hate that in women.

Well, anyway, I'm going to leave this on your bed, with the page stuck open, so you can't even ignore it even if you wanted to. I contemplated turning it into a howler, but heaven knows what your mum might say to that one.

She already dislikes me enough for that time I stuck pancakes to the ceiling instead of flipping them, like she asked. It's not my fault the woman can't yield a pan properly. Except to belt me one.

Seriously, though.

For what it's worth, I am sorry.

And I'm never going to say that again.

In all my life.

Even if I do something even worse.

Although, when it comes to you, I think nothing could be worse than stealing Lily from you. Torturing your entire family and burning your cat alive would probably be a lesser offence.

My hand's hurting now. I never write. It's really boring after a while. You just rabbit on to yourself, which is useless and stupid, because you're you every day, so what's the point in writing about you, in a journal about you, just to read about YOU later?

I'm so poignant sometimes that I surprise myself.


	23. Talks and Trousers

**There's A Little Bit Of Good In Everyone**

Tuesday, August 4th.

Huh. Well, if he thinks I believe that utter pile of rubbish of an excuse, he is sorely mistaken.

From henceforth, the moron otherwise known as Sirius Black is a dead friend to me.

It's problematic, considering he's here for the rest of the summer holidays, and my mum won't send him away, but still. I could try and overcome her love/hate relationship with Sirius, but it's the same one we all have, so she'll just tell me I'm being stupid and I'll make up with him in the end like I always do.

But this is different. Even if I believe the complete tosh he's been writing in here, it's still the unwritten rule, that you don't go near your best friend's girl. Even if ultimately, it achieves what the best friend wants.

I never heard of anything so complicated in all my life. Surely he could have just found another way around it?

Imagine if I make it up with Lily now. I'll forever be imagining Mr. Scum's germs swimming around her mouth. Although, I don't think he used tongue, from the brief moment I could see.

Before I saw red and went off in an incredible rage.

I feel sick.

I'm never going to forgive Sirius. Even on my deathbed, when I'm all old and wrinkly, I'll still be cursing him into oblivion for all the trouble he's caused me. I hope a thestral accidentally treads on him in the first week of term.

Later, Tuesday, August 4th.

I might have forgiven Sirius.

Even later, Tuesday, August 4th.

He cornered me in the garden, pushed me in the shed, and locked the door.

There was no escape.

I was a bit afraid that he was on the turn, or something, or he was going to finally declare his undying love for me (because frankly, that is something I often wonder about – he's only human, why shouldn't he fancy the pants off me?).

Luckily my trousers stayed firmly on.

'Did you read what I put in your stupid diary?'

I didn't say anything. Firstly, he pushes me with malevolent force into a shed, then he calls my journal stupid? What sort of rubbish friend is he? It looked like it was going to be the worst apology in the world, already.

'I know you did. Look, it's bloody true. Why would I make a move on the woman you've pledged your eternal soul to? I might be an idiot sometimes, but I'm not that stupid. I'm your bloody friend, Prongs.'

Silence awkwardly descended over us. I sniffed, and pretended to be interested in my dad's four packet seed collection.

'Think whatever you want. I don't care any more. Just ask yourself, would I have done any of this if I weren't your friend? Would I be here trying to make it right again? Or would I be with Lily, running away in to the sunset, after leaving a note pledging our undying love under your pillow?'

Good point well made.

So, Sirius is forgiven. Again. I'm all tired out with forgiveness.

There's someone else I need to talk to, though. Lily, of course.

I know I rave on about her all the time, I really do, and most of the time it's in a girlish, wet, annoying manner, but really, I absolutely worship the girl.

I'm pretty certain that if I don't have Lily, I won't ever be happy again. There's nobody else in the world I'd rather be with.

I think that's rather terrifyingly up front for a sixteen year-old boy, but there we go. Such is life, sometimes.

Also, I really want to see her naked.

Is that more sixteen year-old-y?

I need to find her and tell her what I just wrote. Well, maybe not the naked part. Even if it is true, I'm still trying to make it up with her, and that might not be the best way to go about it. Girls don't like it when you're blunt. I should know, I've seen Sirius with more black eyes than there are rainy days in Scotland.

If she doesn't accept my apology, and be all normal again, I'm going to go join a cult or live in a cave.

Wednesday, August 5th.

I can't decide if that went well or if I'm as confused as a hinkypunk without a lamp.

I still don't really know where I stand with Lily. I'm pretty sure it might all be alright again, but she did that annoying thing that girls and mothers do, which is use the phrase 'we'll see', accompanied with a frown. Why do only women say that? I've never used it in my life. My dad only says it when my mum stares at him meaningfully because she doesn't want me to do/have something. It looks like the most unnatural phrase for him to come out with – you can see the concentration on his face when he says it.

Well, I suppose I'd better just accept the fact that it's not going to be easy winning Lily back. She's stubborn, that girl.

So I went to find her, and she was sat on her own in my bedroom reading. She's always reading. I wasn't aware there were that many interesting books in the world, but clearly there are. Maybe if I can write a book, Lily will like me. Hey, maybe I should let her read this – then she'll understand my inner psyche and want me for all eternity.

Or laugh, and copy out exerts to distribute to the first years next term.

She looked up when I came into the room. She looked startled, placed a bookmark on the page, and shut the book, sitting awkwardly with it on her knees, and suddenly looking at her feet like they were the most interesting things in the world.

Guilty conscience? I think that might have been it. I like to imagine so, anyway. She certainly didn't look mad any more. You can usually tell when she's angry because she's shouting about a centimetre away from your nose, or she's storming around like a hurricane in a jam jar.

I didn't know what to say. I'm tired of being the first person to say anything around here. I just stood, and waited. And nothing happened. We were quiet for what felt like hours, even though I'm pretty sure it was only a minute or so. The second hand seemed to stop on the wall clock.

I just couldn't stand it any longer.

I sat on the bed beside her, and pulled her close to me, and just hugged her, for all I was worth.

She didn't stop me. At first, she just sat with her hands still on her knees, looking past me, to the floor, but then she relaxed. Her hands swam over my back, and I could feel her smile even when I wasn't looking at her face. Something inside us both just relaxed.

We stayed that way for a while, but then I could feel pins and needles kicking in to my legs because I was twisted in such an awkward position.

I could hug Lily for hours, but seriously, I challenge you to concentrate when your legs feel like they're being attacked by a swarm of angry bees.

So I pulled away. I smiled. She smiled back.

I still didn't know what to say.

So I just left her alone, with her book.

I don't know what this means.

Sometimes I think it's just easier to be an idiot. It's less confusing, and at least you know where you stand when someone tells you 'no' repeatedly.

Actually, hold on a moment.

It's not quite a logical conclusion from all of this, but I've just had a thought.

If Lily's 'cured' by kissing Sirius, what does this mean for Timothy?

Excellent.


End file.
